THE NATIONAL ELF

---

by John Grant

I’m a little gnome
Sitting on a stone
Waiting for the national elf to phone.
“I am the most important national elf!
There is no one more important than myself.
But I have a little problem that is quite upsetting my life.
Someone broke into the palace;
Stole off with my fairy wife.
“My elfin guards (there’s twelve of them) do not know which way to go.
There is only one course left to me if I’m to get her home:
I shall have to call up Freddy Fuzz, the Great Detective gnome.
I’ve been all around the palace and have found a major clue.
If anyone has seen a smelly goblin who is old
At any time in the last two weeks of this, I must be told.
My name is Sam. I’d know him again. I’d know him well.”
(I’d know him again. I’d know him well.)

---

Therefore, to quicken the pace and further the tale,
I’ll tell you that Fred Fuzz and Sam hit the trail.
Sam followed the smell, his nose to the ground.
An elf’s sense of smell is as good as a hound’s,
And Sam had one of the finest of noses,
Due to his training amongst the roses.
After three days and two nights of thus smelling,
They could smell they were near to the old goblin’s dwelling,
Just a little up the mountainside where nothing ever grows,
On the far side of the dark forest where no one ever goes.
There, they saw the entrance to the goblin’s dirty cave—
That was where they hoped to find a fairy queen to save.
Then, as golden sunset turned to creepy, still night,
The entrance to the goblin cave went slowly out of sight.

---

Fred Fuzz said, “Sam, let’s rest the night,
Continue in the morning.”
But then they had an awful fright,
For, without a warning,
A deep and ugly goblin voice said,
“No, you won’t. You’ve got no choice.
You’re condemned to spend the night with us.
You’re surrounded.”
He said, then he laughed.
He said, then he laughed.

---

Poor Fred and sad Sam were taken away
And put in a cell to await break of day.
All through the night they could hear the wind sighing
And the heartbreaking sound of a sweet fairy crying.
“Good morning, Freddy Fuzz. Good morning, Sam.
You must be wondering now just who I am.
My name is Enoch of the goblins. I am king.
I can do somersaults and juggle and I sing.
I play croquet and I’m champion at Ludo.
(I play croquet and I’m champion at Ludo.)
I may be a little fat and a little old,
But it is forty years since last I caught a cold.
There’s just one thing for which I’d really like a chance—”
“It all,” said Freddy (it all said Freddy, who as usual had a clever answer ready),
“That’s why you crept up in the night and stole the National Elf’s delight?
Here, I’ll stop the tale to tell what elves and goblins all knew well:
The finest dancer ever seen was the missing wife, the fairy queen.”

---

“And now,” Enoch said, “Fred, just let me guess,
For you are very keen, could not care less.
You’re a very silly goblin if you thought
That by a fairy queen you would be taught.
After using threats and force, being loud and rude and coarse,
There is just one thing that you’ll get, and that is caught!”
At this, Enoch went purple with rage,
But then he drew upon the wisdom of his age.
He went off into the corner and sat down,
He sat there thinking while he wore a heavy frown.
After a while, he raised his hand and with a little smile he spoke and said,
“I’m so very sorry, Fred and Sam.
You’ve made me see just what a fool I am.
I would like to make amends and I wish we could be friends,
But what I did the other night, can it ever be put right?”

---

Now, more of the story let me tell:
They went to free the fairy from her cell.
She’d had a rotten time ever since the goblin caught her—
Just a wooden bench for sleep and for her food, just bread and water.
There were cobwebs in the corners and rat-holes in the floor.
You can imagine just how pleased she was to see Fred at the door.
She forgot her queenly image, gave both Fred and Sam a hug.
“You only have to say… You only have to say…”
Freddy Fuzz thought hard and then made his request:
“Your majesty, it would please me best
If you could find forgiveness in your heart
And on teaching Enoch dancing make a start.
And if your royal husband will agree,
I’d like young Sam apprenticed unto me.
I desire no other reward at all,
Except one dance at the celebration ball.”

---

A fairy cannot live in anger very long,
So with Fred’s plans, the good Queen went along.
Though the other goblins all just had a laugh
When she insisted that old Enoch take a bath.
As for Sam? Well, he was just delighted.
You would have thought that he’d been knighted.
“Just wait until I tell my mum and dad!
They’ll be so proud of me, their little lad!”
When the ball was held, it was the most fine affair—
Goblins, fairies, gnomes and elves, almost everyone was there.
Enoch, you’d scarcely recognise, he looked so smart and clean.
The National Elf was in his best and lovely looked the Queen.
The buffet supper was simply grand,
And you should have heard the elfin band!
They played all the favourites, pulled out all the stops,
From Beethoven’s Fifth to Top of the Pops.
The Queen danced with Freddy to keep her pact,
And Enoch did his juggling act.
The goblin clowns were the greatest fun.
When the ball was nearly done,
The fairy musicians began to play.

---

The sound they made seemed far away.
Everyone was quiet and still.
The music grew gentler, brighter, until
It seemed to be flowing around the room
Into every corner, dispelling all gloom.
It entered the hearts and minds of all.
It made them all smile and made them feel tall,
And it made them forget all the bad things once said,
And it made them all happy as they went home to bed.