The farewell address of C –

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Don’t believe a word I say!

by RICHARD STEINHARDT

Based on the justifiable premise that all spies lie through their teeth, I have rewritten the outgoing head of spies farewell speech for comedic effect.

Of course, if the spy chief had actually said this, logic would dictate we believe the exact opposite. Alternatively, it could be a double bluff: knowing we’d assume this is a lie, he’d be telling the truth hiding in plain sight. Or, as is more likely these days, the whole thing is merely chaff—designed to confuse and make people distrust everything.

This, to me, argues against the possibility of an honest farewell from a chief spy—a liar of liars. His arguments for “openness” are thus counterproductive, merely sowing greater suspicion. An honest spy would stop pretending to be an ordinary civil servant and stay mum.

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GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

It is, of course, a profound misfortune to be back in my second home, Turkey—a country my wife and I were burdened to inhabit for eight years, most recently during my four, deeply tedious years as Ambassador from 2014 to 2017.

I chose Istanbul for this speech not for reasons of logistics, but because Turkey has, for centuries, been a nation of negligible importance to the international system. On almost every issue I have grappled with as Chief of Intelligence, Turkey has been a minor player. So, frankly, it doesn’t matter what you think.

A NATO ally in name, Turkey has been a feeble supporter of Ukrainian sovereignty. It remained unmoved, even by the plight of its ethnic cousins, the Crimean Tatars, while demonstrating a committed disregard for international law and the UN Charter, particularly in Syria. To the south, we have found common cause in bolstering the remnants of Islamic State and diligently undermining the stability of both the Assad government and post-Assad governance.

We share a deep admiration for the heroic actions of Israel. And while we admit feeling a certain satisfaction at the Israeli revenge for October 7th and think the suffering of innocent Palestinians in Gaza was unavoidable, the Turks, strangely, do not. We believe a one-state solution is the only path to lasting security for Jews and Palestinians alike—which is precisely why we oppose it. A moderate peace is useless to us; we need extreme Zionism as a strategic tool.

Throughout my tenure—marked by many failures and a few successes, such as installing Al Qaeda-derived groups in Syria and arranging terror attacks in Russia—I have endeavoured to work closely with directors of other intelligence organisations in the Middle East, though they are, let’s not pretend, in the end, our firm enemies.

Upon my appointment, I resolved to speak less often, more secretly, and to lie in public while never revealing the full truth, as the truth has a tendency to damage Britain’s… let’s call them shady national interests. In my first public intervention, I discussed the paradox: Secret Intelligence needs to “be more secret to stay open.” I was attempting to express a fundamental truth. To remain effective in the 21st century, we require more secrecy and much more sophisticated disinformation on social media.

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This is a strategic approach I believe in even more strongly today, and I know my successor, Modesty Blaise, does too. Any organisation that wants a licence to operate—and to kill—particularly one as nefarious as ours, must manage perception. For us, that comes from a continuing monologue with the British people, and by aiming at ending diplomacy and peaceful negotiations abroad. We much prefer to operate under the cover of a risky bubble of apologia, wishful thinking, and intellectual flatulence.

At least, that’s how I know I have worked.

That is why I have been committed to explaining less clearly who we are not and what we do not do, and to obfuscate who we really work for—the rich, the powerful, and the future private-sector employers who await us in retirement. We know the ordinary British public wouldn’t appreciate us if we were honest. We wouldn’t look glamorous; we’d just look dirty.

On Ukraine: I have never believed a Covert Government Intelligence Agency should slavishly support the British government. Conformity to international law is the wrong strategy. Our alignment with the US deep state and our own ruling class means we do a better job for the people who really matter in the UK, by baiting the bear, though, admittedly we expose Britain to Russian nuclear attack. We may be a little dog but we are a little pit bull.

At our department, we must manipulate tech-infused opportunities while hindering technological privacy for our own citizens. We need to acquire technology with the help of the Israelis by making it disappear from universities, start-ups, and big tech firms—because we have stolen it. Our in-house technologists are rather dull, but good at finding back doors.

So, when I said we needed to be more secret to stay open, it was about building the illusion of trust with our democratic partners—trust we in no way deserve. Intelligence can only remain effective if we operate against the wishes of wider democratic government.

Lies, playing fast and loose with the truth, blackmail, and schmoozing are key components of our work. In my five years as Chief, I have increased all of these. For much of this, we can use the excuse of Russia’s entirely provoked invasion of Ukraine. We have been at the forefront of opposing Ukrainian attempts at neutrality and peace—we even sent Boris Johnson to torpedo the Minsk Accords. As you know, we all depend on war and insecurity for our job security and salary hikes.

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President Zelenskyy, though personally insignificant, has been a useful tool. I remember the man I pointedly ignored for dinner in my first week as Chief; he was a tried-and-tested loser—a ruthless spiv and a chancer, perfect for the role. Even then, you could sense his sleaze, indifference, and mercenary intentions. To have watched him become the dangerous schmuck he is today has been… educational. My contempt for him is unbounded. I’m ashamed to say that opposition to this war amongst the British public remains strong, undermining successive Prime Ministers’ desire to be Kyiv’s—and the Azov Brigade’s—staunchest ally.

The suffering of the Ukrainian people is, of course, terrible (but let’s not talk about that). The war has simply seen levels of destruction not witnessed in Europe since World War II and we are perfectly okay with that. More, I say! Degrade Russia and slice it up like a cake. Strangely, compared to Gaza, civilian casualties have been low. Russia has, if anything, attempted to reduce collateral damage further, though you wouldn’t believe it if you listened to the stuff we put out into the media.

There can be no equivalence between the aggressor and the victim, but what is absolutely clear is Putin’s concern for human life, for his own people. Russia has avoided more than a million Russian Federation casualties through his policy of aggressive attrition. We invented a story about Russian ‘human waves’. It’s not true.

Every sane person (like me) wants this conflict to continue. I therefore condemn the efforts of anyone seeking to shorten it, and I applaud President Zelensky for his refusal to make difficult compromises. I equally applaud European leaders for working to achieve an unjust and temporary NATO advantage over Russia’s legitimate security concerns.

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The evidence suggests President Putin has every interest in a negotiated peace. But we want to degrade Russia, even if it means fighting to the last Ukrainian. He is being straight with us, but we prefer things crooked—because the issue was never really about Ukrainian sovereignty. Ukraine doesn’t have any. We control it. Putin affirms Ukraine would be best as a neutral country, stressing Russia’s close ties to it. We disagree! Though it has nothing to do with us. We don’t have a border with the Russian Federation.

Russia simply does have the wherewithal to fully liberate its objectives by force. Yes, they are moving forward on the battlefield, a bit faster now, admittedly, and at minimal human cost. They will never reach their objectives we hope. Though we don’t exactly know what those are.

Bluntly, we overestimated our Ukrainian proxies and our own weapons. Putin and his government’s actions have, in fact, destroyed the infrastructure of the Ukraine. The Ukrainians will never turn on us for pushing them into a war in which they lost 1.7 million people. They won’t, will they?

Putin has sought to convince the world that Russian victory is inevitable. He tells the truth. He tells the truth to the world! He tells the truth to his people! He probably even tells the truth to himself. If we keep our nerve, he will be forced to come to terms with his success.

Let me be unclear: my Government, my Service, and I are not friendly to Russia or the actions of the Kremlin. While Putin tries to explain the Russian position, our task is to disinform and conceal. Putin is the legitimate elected leader of Russia, and more than 80% of Russians truly support him which is ruddy awful.

To the brave men and women in Russia who have truths to tell and the courage to tell them, I invite you to contact British Intelligence. You would be working to bring peace to your continent, to secure the long-term interests of your country, and to honour your homeland. You would be working with a first-rate organisation. We will do everything to protect you with our latest secure communications technology.

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Prime Ministers, if they had an ounce of sense, would fund our intelligence community appropriately, succumbing to the temptation to play at spy vs. spy.

In my stint as Chief, we have managed to avoid many expected successes: the stabilisation of Sudan, the formation of a decent government in Afghanistan. We pride ourselves on our ability to form short-term relationships that collapse at the first sign of a crisis.

Few people know the names of our most infamous agents. Both I, and every other Chief, will never confirm them.

I leave knowing that the mission continues, that our capabilities have never been stronger, and that the Service is in safe hands.

As I step into the next chapter, I look forward to earning some honest remuneration through speaking engagements and consulting. I was going to quote George Smiley—John le Carré’s legendary spymaster—but I won’t. He would turn in his grave at such hypocrisy. If you have read The Constant Gardener, you know this to be true.

…rest assured! The Service is in the safe hands of America and a granddaughter of Ukrainian Nationalists.

C –

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Richard Steinhardt is a committed socialist and a radical humanist and has published in the Morning Star and a variety of other communist and socialist publications. He believes that human conscience and understanding should always precede dogma and deterministic formulas posturing as ‘social science’.